Pushing Daisies

[ACADEMY SCIENCE LAB: a portrait of the stern founder with a snarling German Shepherd hangs over the blackboard where the students are lined up against; the subject of the day is "Flight"]

Narrator: The motto of the Longborough School for Boys was “Institutem Superior Omnibus” or “Tradition Over All”. But on this morning, whether it was the topic of flight or the brandy in the teacher’s parlor, Mr. Galt threw tradition to the wind and let the students choose their own lab partners. [the science instructor nods and all the boys immediately run to their tables with their partners, leaving Ned and an Indian boy in orthodontic headgear standing alone] Young Ned, however, found his chosen for him. Eugene Mulchandani was an exchange student from Gorakhpur, India. Young Ned felt a gnawing pity growing in his stomach, as was tradition. But beneath Eugene’s headgear thrived an active imagination and a useful gift for aeronautical model building, as well as the hope that someone might not dislike him for the simple fact that he was different. [Eugene tears several pages from a composition notebook and folds it into an elaborate paper airplane, then inflates a balloon with gas and ties it to the airplane. Ned smiles admiringly as they watch it float in the air, then notices a classmate sitting in front of them getting ready to shoot down the balloon with a spitball] Young Ned found himself breaking with his own tradition and in a moment of passion … [Ned throws a book and nails the bully in the head] … he fought back. For the first time since his father dropped him off, Young Ned made a friend. [outside during recess, the boys run through the trees; Eugene jumps and lands on a pile of leaves, then lets Ned have a turn] In a surge of emotion, he forgot his mother had died, his father had left him, and that he missed a girl named Chuck. He also forgot he was jumping into a pile of dead leaves that were once alive. [Ned jumps on the pile and as he swims through the leaves, the brown ones turn green; he fearfully looks up at a shocked Eugene, who runs away] Eugene Mulchandani fled in a flurry of saliva and fear. Eugene would eventually forget Young Ned’s mistake and chalk it up to magic leaves. But Young Ned would never forget that happiness borne of passion is always short-lived. [the classmate that Ned nailed with a book approaches and warms up his fist]

[THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: Ned is sitting at the table waiting for the toaster to pop up; Chuck enters happily and sits next to him]

Narrator: Yet, through no fault of his own, he had once again stumbled into happiness …

Chuck: Good morning!

Narrator: … which terrified him.

Ned: Morning. [muffins pop up and he places a plate in front of Chuck; she starts cutting strawberries for their breakfast]

Chuck: Guess what day it is today?

Ned: [smiling] World Hello Day.

Chuck: Oh, you finally put up my calendar of Obscure of Holidays!

Ned: Yes, and “hola”! That’s Español-a.

Chuck: “Merhaba”, “selamat pagi”, “o-si-yo”! That’s Turkish, Indonesian and Cherokee, although the Indonesians really says “Good Day” which I think is much better than “Hello”, because what does that say? That says “I’m here, your turn to talk”! Kinda selfish. [Ned chuckles and smiles] What?

Ned: [fondly] Nothing.

Narrator: The Pie Maker wished to express to Chuck exactly how intense his feelings were for her.

Ned: [suddenly] Am I your boyfriend? [behind the counter, Olive’s head pops up in shock] I realize that boyfriend-girlfriend are familiar, trite labels – if convention were soaked in boyfriend would be dripping with it – but we’ve never actually said it. And not that we need to define the relationship, but it might be helpful in a familiar, trite way – the way on a holiday created to sell greeting cards – it’s still nice to get a card … and are you going to cut me off with a “Yes” anytime soon?

Chuck: [bemusedly] Yes. [behind the counter, Olive lets out a breath. So does a relieved Ned, who proceeds to put jam on Chuck’s muffin]

Ned: You never said what today is.

Chuck: Thank you. Today is my daddy’s birthday. You know he would’ve been sixty today if he were still alive?

Narrator: The mention of Chuck’s father sent The Pie Maker’s thoughts spinning. [Ned’s face falls and he drops the jam jar on the table]

Chuck: What’s wrong?

Ned: Nothin’.

(more…)

[ACADEMY – NIGHT: Young Ned is lying awake in bed; turns and looks at the clock, which reads 2:01 a.m. Digby is lying at the foot of his bed]

Narrator: At this very moment at the Longborough School for Boys, young Ned was 9 years, 41 weeks, 14 hours and 3 minutes old … and exhausted. [Ned sits up; Digby whines in sympathy] For despite the endless waking hours spent assuring himself that his heart was on the mend, Ned discovered the truth in his sleep. Sadly, not a single night had passed since the death of his mother that he didn’t dream of her coming back to him. [gets out of bed and leaves the room] Realizing he couldn’t rush his heart into healing, he concocted a plan: to reconnect with his mother in a way that only he could. [KITCHEN: in the dark, vast industrial room, Ned looks up on a high shelf and sees fresh strawberries out of his reach. He looks at his reflection off toaster and sees the image of his smiling mother handing him a pie]

(more…)

[ACADEMY PLAYING FIELD: Boys are playing kickball together while Ned is off to the distance, bouncing an orange ball off a tree]

Narrator: At this very moment, at town of Northrush, young Ned was lonely. Unable to make friends at the Longborough School for Boys, he often found himself playing alone, with nothing but memories of happier times to keep his company. What young Ned did not realize was that beyond the meadow under the same orange sky, someone he loved was remembering him. [Ned misses the tree and it bounces away deeper into a field. NED’S OLD HOME: There is a "For Sale" sign out front and the house appears abandoned … except for Digby lying patiently on the front porch]

Narrator: His dog, Digby. In fact, three days prior, Digby had made a decision: wearied by his own loneliness back in Coeur d’Coeurs and sensing his master’s sorrow, Digby set out on a mission. [Digby perks up, runs off the porch and down the street] Uncertain as to his exact destination, he ventured into the great unknown and guided only by the compass of his heart. [Digby trots through the town when he looks up and sees an apartment on fire. He goes to a fire box and pulls the lever down; a fire truck soon arrives and he continues his journey] Despite numerous distractions, Digby was determined to find young Ned – the boy who had given him a second chance at life. And who was his best friend. [ACADEMY FIELD: Ned looks around for his orange ball and sees Digby running toward him, holding the ball in his mouth; Ned grins and runs toward him] Upon doing so, Digby proved that love can overcome any obstacle. The reunion was bittersweet, however, as they instantly remembered the restrictions of their friendship: they could not touch or Digby would die. [both stop and stare happily at one another; Digby drops the ball in for his master. Ned picks up a stick and pets Digby with it, then throws the ball in the air] Still, it was enough. That day, Digby vowed he would never allow himself to separated from his master. [THE PIE HOLE: Digby catches an orange ball in his mouth, while his master looks off into the kitchen and smiles upon seeing Chuck]

(more…)

[NIGHT OUTSIDE ACADEMY: Ned is watching fireflies hover around an electric bug zapper. A firefly gets zapped and falls dead on a bench; he touches it and it flies off. However, a nearby spider crawling expectantly toward a firefly suddenly dies and falls off its web]Narrator: At this very moment, young Ned was 9 years, 34 weeks, 12 hours and 54 minutes old. He was a gifted boy – not academically, nor athletically – he was gifted in a way no other boy was gifted. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. But if he touched the dead thing twice, it died again forever. The consequence of touching a dead thing twice was as cruel as any consequence, and that was something else had to die. Young Ned rationalized this consequence was beyond his control: he was not to blame. But to remain blameless, he had to understand. [SCIENCE LAB: Ned places seven dead fireflies on a platter and covers it with a clear glass cover, then starts a stopwatch; on another platter, he touches seven more dead fireflies and touches each one before covering it]

Narrator: He realized to give life, he had to take it. Death, however, had a grace period. What young Ned did not know was how long that grace period was: one minute. Fearing the consequences of his actions, Ned vowed to never, ever again bring the dead back to life for more than a minute. Until he did it again. [the 2nd jar of fireflies die while the 1st jar comes to life; he releases them and watches them fly off. DISSOLVE TO: THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN. Ned tosses over a moldy peach with a ungloved hand: it becomes fresh again and he catches it with the other gloved hand, then passes it to Chuck, who washes them off] The expression “Pie in the Sky” entered popular culture in 1911: it refers to a dessert so sweet that it can only be found in Heaven. If you’re craving something before you die, I recommend where The Pie Maker makes his pies. But if you’re like Chuck, you may enjoy the pie even after you die. Her sixty seconds came and went, she stayed alive; and instead, someone else had to die. [the marigolds in the plant box withers and dies; Ned’s face falls and Digby whines, but Chuck doesn’t notice] He kept Chuck blissfully unaware of this fact: she was alive again – that was that.

Chuck: Which birthday do I celebrate? I’ve got two of them now. First day I was alive and first day I was alive again.

Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

Chuck: You remember my eighth birthday? Right before my dad died? You remember what you got me?

Ned: [remembers; then, sheepishly] A T-shirt.

Chuck: [innocently] With a beaver on it! He had little lipstick kisses on his cheek and was holding a sign saying “Be Kind to Animals: Kiss a Beaver.” I suppose I should be celebrating every minute, shouldn’t I?

Ned: Uh-huh.

Chuck: I can be anybody now, anybody I want. I like that idea: I’m going to give that some thought.

Narrator: The Pie Maker liked that idea as well. As long as her thoughts didn’t fall on:

Chuck: Why is it only a minute?

Ned: Hmm?

Chuck: A minute seems awfully arbitrary.

Ned: A minute’s a long time: a lot can happen in a minute. Besides, the longer someone’s around that’s not supposed to be around the more likely that something will happen. Not necessarily directly or by any fault of theirs, but y’know, butterfly wings and such.

Chuck: What about them?

Ned: They cause hurricanes.

Chuck: Oh, right. Am I a hurricane?

Ned: A little bit, but I like the weather – [Chuck suddenly approaches Ned with a sheet of plastic wrap, places it between their faces, and gives him a long kiss]

Ned: You really shouldn’t do that. [then they keep doing that]

(more…)

[In a green field, Young Ned is standing alone under a tree wearing a school uniform, looking quite desolate]Narrator: At this very moment, at the town of Northrush, young Ned was 9 years, 33 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours and 34 minutes old. He stood on the exact spot where 4 weeks and 2 days previously, his father had deposited him at the Longborough School for Boys. [several trunks appear next to Ned; a young classmate runs up behind Ned and bumps into him, then his father appears and bends to speak to him] As young Ned’s mother had died recently, there was reassuring physical contact and parting words: “I’ll be back.” [his father pats him on the head and disappears] He lied. The sadness and dread which the boy felt were not so much a product of the Longborough School: young Ned’s acute discomfort came from the knowledge that when he touched a dead thing, it came back to life.

[SCIENCE LAB: a schoolmate behind Ned throws a wad of paper at his head and the other boys laugh]

Narrator: The other boys assumed his introverted nature was a product of weakness and coddling. Thinking of revenge and also not thinking at all, young Ned volunteered to assist with that day’s science project. [The science teacher writes "Frog Dissection" on the chalkboard; Ned raises his hand, a knowing smile forming. On a rolling cart, Ned touches the formaldehyde frogs before placing a tray on each table] Young Ned’s gift was governed by three simple rules: touch a dead thing once, alive … [as a boy picks up a scalpel, the frog comes back to life and jumps away; chaos ensues as the boys scream and run away from the reanimated frogs; Ned is crawling away in the opposite direction and picks up a frog] … Touch a dead thing again, dead forever … [the frog dies in his hand and turns brown again] … Keep a dead thing alive for more than a minute, and something else has to die. [Outside, Ned is perched in a tree, far away from his classmates; as three frogs below hop away, three birds from the tree fall dead] His gift had once again brought him great distress in place of great joy. He vowed to keep the strange details of his strange life secret from the world forever.

(more…)

Narrator: At this very moment in the town of Coeur d’Coeurs, young Ned was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days and 3 minutes old. His dog, Digby, was 3 years, 2 weeks, 6 days, 5 hours and 9 minutes old. And not a minute older. [Digby runs straight into the highway and is struck by a semi. Ned drops to his knees in front of his dead dog and gingerly touches his face: Digby instantly gets up and runs back into the field, while Ned looks after him in surprise]

Narrator: This was the moment that young Ned discovered that he wasn’t like the other children: nor was he like anyone else, for that matter. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. [Ned follows after Digby; unbeknownst to him, after one minute, a squirrel falls from a tree, dead. Cut to NED’S KITCHEN: a fly lands on the window sill and Ned’s mother swats it dead. As she goes about preparing a pie, Ned touches the dead fly: it stirs and flies away. Ned’s mother starts a timer as she puts the pie in the oven]

(more…)

Olive: Oh, you were very loud. After all the commotion I peeped my peeper out the peep hole.

Olive: I also heard you walking the streets and moaning her name like in a Tennessee Williams. Romantic, but not very dignified.

Narrator: Olive Snook had been delivering pies for weeks, not realizing she was a homeopathic drug mule.

Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater.
Emerson: That thing’s uglier then a chipmunk’s ass.
Ned: He means the sweater, not your niece.

Emerson: Why would somebody give somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You can only wear it that day.
Ned: He means should. Only wear it that day.
Emerson: Yeah. Either you got to take off what you got on to put it on. Or you got wait another year for the next holiday season.
Coroner: Why are you going toe-to-toe with me on fashion?

Coroner: Rent feels a little light.
Emerson: Maybe you’re just getting stronger.

Vivian: Thank you very much for lighting our furnace so Charlotte’s ghost wouldn’t have to.
Ned: Am I leaving?
Lily and Vivian: Yes!

Photo courtesy of Pushing-Daisies.Com

Olive: Did he beat you?
Chuck: No.
Olive: Did he look like he wanted to beat you?

Ned: But do you hate me?
Chuck: I have to hate you a little, just for a little while. But I can’t do that if you stay.
Ned: I don’t want you to hate me, I’ll stay.
Chuck: If you stay, I’ll just end up hating you more. Just go.

Emerson: I’m a father.
Ned: As in a priest?
Emerson: As in a man… with a daughter.

Emerson: The relationship between a father and his daughter is tenuous. It’s very fragile. It could take a life time to sort out all the issues there. And what you think? You can just all “happily ever after” after just one minute? Man, you a dreamer.

Emerson: Would you quit wiggle-worting? You’re steaming up the windows and giving neighbours the wrong idea.

Ned: It’s carbon monoxide poising. Someone put a potato in our tailpipe
Emerson: Oh lord. Please tell me I ain’t dead.
Ned: You’re not dead
Emerson: I can be not dead longer than a minute?
Ned: There are no minutes involved. You’ll continue to not be dead until you’re dead. But I’ve never undeaded you at any point.

Emerson: We are giant, enormous idiots. And don’t you say ‘ginormous’ because that ain’t a word.

Corpse: If I’m dead, why are you the one with the long face? Let me guess: girl problems?
Emerson: Hell no.
Corpse: Hell yes. I can see it in his eyes.

Emerson: The wish-a-wish lady.
Ned: She’s a kill-a-killa.

Ned: You don’t have to do this, Madeleine. Please put the gun and the bat down. Or definitely the gun.

Teen: I said ladpdance, not tapdance!

Aunt Lily: I’m Charlotte’s mother.

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Ned: Candy might be sweet, but it’s a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.

Emerson: Oh no, see, this is how it all ends. Some weird guy comes in saying stuff that don’t make no sense. And by the time your head realizes “Hey, this weird guy makes no sense,” your guts are all over the window.

Emerson: The truth ain’t like puppies, a bunch of them running around, you pick your favorite. One truth… and it has come a knockin’.

Emerson: You ain’t lying. The only way you’re lying is if she asks the question, (in a girl voice like Chuck) “Hey, did you kill my father when you brought your mother back, which I didn’t know about because you never told me?”…. Don’t tell her.

Alfredo: As any non-traditional remedy salesman knows; resistance to the novel and the unconventional is marbled through this country like gristle. If I’m not cutting that gristle, I’m not doing my job.

Olive: It’s from the Pie Hole from across the street, as in “Shut your.” But one sweet whiff and people usually want to “Open their.”

Olive: Can I ask you a question? If you loved me….
Alfredo: Yes?
Olive: And we could never, ever, ever touch. Wouldn’t you eventually get over it and move on letting someone else have the slightest hope that you might move on to them?
Alfredo: If I loved you?
Olive: Yeah.
Alfredo: Then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind, then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind.
Olive: Eh, forget it.

Olive: Wouldn’t it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? Of course that’d be a different universe and something else would probably suck.

Olive: There’s no alarm system. Got a credit card?
Chuck: Why? You know how to pick locks?
Olive: No. You’re gonna need to pay for the damages.

Narrator: The expression “Like a rat in a candy store,” though slightly less popular, is equally true.

Emerson: I mean it’s a broad generalization, but my guess is that an attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn’t even spend a short amount of time in prison.

Emerson: So whoever killed Billy is walking around with nine fingers thinking they got away with murder.
Chuck: Mm-hmmm. Footloose and finger-free.

Ned: Chuck, I killed your father.

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Olive: This is what it is, isn’t it? …Unless that isn’t a rolling pin under your apron.
Ned: Sorry…[shows rolling pin in the apron]
Olive: Oh, isn’t it great we can joke? Now that we that we know that there’s nothing going on between us and never was. It can be funny. I bet this sort of thing happens all the time between adults. Mixed romantic messages. In no time we’ll be looking back and laugh until we wet the rug. Which we’ll then want to shampoo. Couple times. Possibly three, depending on what we were drinking.

Olive: Look carefully, ladies: this is your future.
Lily: Is it vodka?
Olive: Water.
Lily: As in Russian for vodka?
Olive: As in English. For H20.
Vivian: Lily doesn’t believe in water anymore. She thinks it’s a waste of a perfectly good tumbler.

Chuck [on the stages of grief]: Something, something, something, something, acceptance.

Chuck: Am I the seriously the first person to question your aversion to change? What about your ex-girlfriends?
Ned: I’ve had girlfriends. But there were always extraneous factors…You know, we, um, grew apart and lost interest. Had intimate relations on a bearskin rug …
Chuck: Oh, no. Did it [clawing her hand]?
Ned: It did enough to be upsetting.

Emerson: Death by scratch and sniff. What the hell happened to people shooting each other with guns?

Emerson: And if the sacred cash cow I worship is mooing down on us…

Narrator: Anxious to sniff out more information, our heroes sought out Napoleon LeNez, scratch and sniff author, in his suite above the city and immediately found themselves in an alarming situation.
Napoleon LeNez: Do not be alarmed by the situation.

Emerson: Your book was a bomb.
Napoleon: Who are you to criticize my life’s work?!
Emerson: Your book was a bomb. It exploded.

Olive: [looking at the TV] Look there’s the killer.
[Someone walks inside Pie Hole]
Chuck: Look, there’s the killer.
Olive: Oh, lord.

Chuck: Oh! Then I’ll be polite and say, “Oh, I’m sorry I forgot my purse and I’ve got no pockets”.
Emerson: Uh huh…well, hey somebody see, now I’m gonna need to see some ID on the account that you look just like that dead girl that got herself killed on that tropical cruise.
Ned: I’ll say something like “What is this? A police state?!”…If I ever say that it means I’m having a panic attack.

Chuck: Ned!
Ned: Chuck!
Napoleon: Oscar!
Oscar: Napoleon!
….
Olive: … Hi, Emerson!
Emerson: Hey, Olive.

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Narrator: Harold Hundin was, indeed, a damn polygamist.

Emerson: No wonder the guy can handle four wives..the dude’s caffinated.

Hundin: My wife did it, she had murder in her eyes and that murder was couture.

Olive: That’s the most tragic story I’ve ever heard, notwithstanding the big-ticket items like genocide and famine, but tragic nonetheless.

Emerson: That girl dropped a bomb in your subconscious with her saliva. (referring to Olive)

Ned: I’m easily distracted; I wouldn’t know where to focus.

Emerson: Some people like chocolate, some people like vanilla, and some people like their neapolitan
Ned: I like neapolitan
Emerson: Then you’d do well as a polygamist.

Emerson: Someone in love is like a gangsta. They be like, ‘Oh baby, you bleeding. How did that happen?’ while they’re hiding the razor in their weave.

Olive: You’re taking money from blind children?
Emerson: I suppose I could pay my bills with blind kids’ smiles, but their money is a lot easier.

Ned (to the dog psychiatrist, and pretending to be Mr. Digby): Ned’s been having strange dreams lately. His paws twitch and he whimpers. It’d be cute if it weren’t so sad. He may be experiencing stress-related anxiety due to, uh, mating issues.
Psychiatrist: You’re deflecting. You’re avoiding a deeper discussion of Ned’s mating issues.
Ned: Can’t you see this is making Ned uncomfortable?
Heather: Mr. Digby, Ned’s merely wrestling with the natural anxieties of an inexperienced stud.
Ned: He’s had experience! Some.

Emerson: Will you prop him up? He looks like a wino on New Years Eve.

Chuck: I love a good although!

Chuck: I know your not blind!
Hallie (One of the wives): Oh, thanks I felt awful doing that.
Chuck: It was humiliating for the both of us.

Olive: I was in shock when I lost my pie, the horse not the food, and one day I was walking along and saw a bakery in the shape of a giant pie, the food not the horse, and it was a sign.
Hillary (one of the wives): Are you suggesting that I’ll find the answers to life and death in a bubblegum machine?”

Ned: Everyone wants stuff, we wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true but just because we want them doesn’t mean we need them to be happy
Chuck: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.

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Olive: What’s that song again? Oh yeah: “I scream, you scream, we all scream I faked my own death”

Olive: Ned hates Halloween. Makes him moodier than a pumpkin full of PMS…In fact, when he sees all this, you are gonna be one sorry little zombie. Seriously, you are so…dead.

Emerson: Let’s consider it in escrow…between my thighs.

Olive: Yesterday, a ferrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
Olive: Not a furrier, a ferrier. Heir.
Emerson: Fair-rier?
Olive: It’s a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson: Don’t try to act like that’s a word everybody knows.

Emerson: What did you compete about?
Olive: Promise you won’t laugh?
Emerson: No.
Olive: I used to be a professional horse jockey.
Emerson: Hahahahhahah! Hahahahah!

Emerson: Let me ask the money…(uses his hand as a phone) Hello, Money? Can I still pay the bills and buy stuff even though you were Olive’s money first? Uh-huh….okay, thanks. (Hangs up) The money doesn’t care.

Olive: Maybe John Joseph faked his death, people do that all the time.
Emerson: No, they don’t.
Olive: Yeah, they do. Sometimes they just don’t even try to cover it up, they just show up and ruin you life like nobody is gonna figure it out, but then you figure it out because you are not an idiot! Are you an idiot?
Emerson: No, because an idiot may misuderstand what you are saying and hit you with a shovel.
Olive: (whispering) I think you know.

Ned: I’ll go by the stables, see if the perp left any clues.
Chuck: You mean like protoplasm, or melted crucifixes?
Ned: Yeah. Or, you know, like real clues.

Emerson: There’s a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs tomb, and Olive knows you’re dead.
Chuck: First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks that I faked my death which is completely different to knowing that I’m dead.
Emerson: Yeah, different like purple and mauve.

Vivian: Halloween’s a busy time for us.
Lily: Some of the neighbourhood children started a rumour we were witches….They said we turn little boys into birds.
Ned: That’s…. terrible.
Bird: Sqawwwk. Help me! Help me!They turned me into a bird.
Vivian: Scares the willies out of them.

Vivian: I don’t know how we survived without it. It’s like a sex addiction…I would imagine.

Vivian: No one remembers your father, Ned. What they do talk about is how you turned out to be such a nice, wonderful boy. Man even.

Olive: How did you know I was single?
Mama Jacobs: You wouldn’t need all that bait if you’re belly were full of fish, dear.

Chuck: Sometimes you have to keep a secret, even if it mean hurting someone.
Olive: Exactly!…Dammit.

Chuck: What if his mood changes when his blood sugar drops?
Olive: You mean like a hypoglycemic werewolf?

Olive: Tell Ned I love…his pies.

Emerson: I love you, shovel.

Vivian: Is the clock right? It’s 2 in the AM!
Lily: I’ll get the gun
Vivian: And I’ll get the candy bowl

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Chuck: We can plant wild flowers on roof tops and be unorthodox urban honey pioneers!

Ned: I don’t do heartbeats.

Ned: She’s probab— probably not in pain but what do I know? I’m not a bird. 

Emerson: What is the reate of exchange in the life of a bird?
Ned: I’m more concerned for that squirrel.

Ned: It’s raining dead birds!

Emerson: Just because there’s vodka in the freezer, don’t mean I have to drink it….wait, it does!

Ned: Statistically, he’s fine. His day can only improve.

Coroner: You and the white boy have some kind of shifty going on? I don’t know what, but you’re shifty.

Aunt Vivian: A bird with gossip, how exciting!

Lily: Why would we go out for pie, when you just brought us one?

Ned: What’s that I smell?
Emerson: I thought it was your cologne
Ned: Who wears cologne?
Emerson: I wear cologne!

Chuck: He didn’t let me fall. It was actually a very affectionate gesture…in context.

Ned: A great big fibber whose hand you were holding, what’s that about?
Chuck: If you must know, I was pretending I was holding your hand.

Emerson: Maybe your finger needs a new battery.

Chuck: If you’re referring about the touching, I see this as an obstacle, not a problem.

Emerson: That one-armed bitch is fast.

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Chuck: Which birthday should I celebrate? I’ve got two of them now. First day I was alive. First day I was alive again?
Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

Olive: Musing an idea of setting someone on fire doesn’t mean you really want to set someone on fire, it’s just the thought of it that makes you happy, but only for a second then you feel bad…but that second can be a lot of fun!

Emerson: That was the Truth Bus
Olive: That wasn’t the Truth Bus. That was the Bitchy Cross Town Express.

Ned: Chuck is private. Part of my private.

Coroner: I can write a book on hand moisturizer. Nobody wants the last thing they touch with to be ashy and dry.

Chuck: You won’t even know I’m here
Emerson: Cause you’re leaving?
Chuck: No…
Ned: C’mon it makes her happy….
Emerson: You remember what that happiness looks like.

Ned: Why are you still talking!
Emerson: I’m ripping off the band-aid!
Ned: I’m not a ripper, I pull up the corner a little a time and then I run it under warm water and then I pull up even more…it’s a process.
Emerson: Let it rip!

Alfredo: You seem decidedly unhappy
Olive: I didn’t “decided” that

Emerson: That was a business associate of mine, who do you think hooked us up with Corpse Bride?

Emerson: Whatever you say, Killer.

Ned: I’m sorry for what I did, it was mostly an accident, but partially on purpose.

Lawrence: Lonely tourist Charlotte Charles, are you part of my welcoming committee?
Chuck: More like a beneficiary in that I am still alive and you’re not.

Ned: It wasn’t personal. I didn’t pick you but it didn’t help that you were in the room.

Chuck: You stole that off my dead body?
Lawrence: Your dead body wasn’t doing anything with it.

Emerson: Anybody dead back there that shouldn’t be?
Ned: No
Emerson: Sweet.

Ned: Lewis Schaltz is a big fat liar. And I say fat in reference to his size as a liar and not as judgment to his physical appearance.

Emerson: I’m not a pirate, I’m just looking for treasure.

Olive: Beaver boy is a pie-maker? Who was Charlotte’s sweetheart…your niece? Lonely tourist Charlotte Charles? Who is dead? Presently?

Chuck: Mind over matter makes Pooh unfatter!
Emerson: I may be stuck, but I can still reach my gun.

Ned: I wanted to be a Jedi.

For a complete recap of the episode, The Fun In The Funeral, check this post.

Pushing Daises delivered another fantastic episode last Wednesday night. And as promised, here’s a rundown of some of the lines and dialogues from it, plus one lovely video clip with Olive, singing “Hopelessly Devoted To You” for Ned:

Chuck: How many people have you brought back to life?
Ned: It’s not like I walk around reviving childhood sweethearts.

Ned: Chuck, you’re the only human being I’ve ever made alive again to stay.
Narrator: He lied.

Olive: There’s a surprising lack of physical contact!

Emerson: I know nothing about her excpet she has soft lips when she was ten.

Chuck: So I really have to sit in the back from now on?
Ned: It’s for your own safety.
Chuck: You sound like my dad.
Ned: If my hand brushes yours, you’d be dead.
Chuck: He didn’t say that.

Chuck: Do you have any request, unfinished business from this life we could help you with?
Emerson: Don’t let her do this!
Bernard the dead: Is this heaven?
Chuck: It could be…
Emerson: No, it’s not.
Bernard the dead: Is that God?
Ned: No, it’s not.
Bernard the dead: Good, because I’m Buddhist!

Emerson: I’m not God but I was, I’d be an angry god.

Emerson: It’s a dead end, and not the kind of dead end you can undead and redead again.

Olive: Who is the funny girl stuck to Ned?
Emerson: Childhood sweetheart…
Olive: Still sweet? His heart?
Emerson: You wan’t the truth
[Olive thinks and nods]
Emerson: He digs her in a way that he definitely does not dig you.

Chuck to Ned: Don’t you have any hidden talents or hobbies, I mean regular ones?

Olive sings Hopelessly Devoted To You

For a complete recap of the episode, Dummy, check this post.

Pushing Daisies, Pushing Daisies quotable quotes, Pushing Daisies Episode 2 quotes, Pushing Daisies Dummy quotes

So, tell me… the show is as delightful as they say it would be, right?

Let’s re-live some of the lines and dialogues from the very first episode of Pushing Daisies and kick off this site’s Quotable Quotes Section. If you have a favorite line yourself, chime in!

Ned: I asked you not to use the word zombie. It’s disrespectful, stumbling around squaking for brains, that’s not how they do. An undead. Nobody wants to be un-anything.
Emerson: Are you comfortable with “living dead”?

Olive: I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food. I don’t think that anymore. (This is my favorite!)

Olive: How was your convention?
Ned: Conventional. How’s Digby?
Olive: Erotic. He’s a very needy dog.

Chuck: Thanks for calling me Chuck. No one has called me Chuck since you.
Ned: When I used to live next door, I had a cr—- you were my first kiss.
Chuck: You were my first kiss too. You want to be my last kiss? Is that weird?
Ned: That’s not weird. That’s magical.

Ned: It’s kind of a random proximity thing.
Emerson: Bitch, I was in proximity!

Olive: Doesn’t she look like that dead girl?
Emerson: She looks exactly like that dead girl.
Olive: You should take that as a compliment, because she was pretty.

Chuck: So I can’t even hug, what if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around
Ned: I’m not a fan of hugs
Chuck: Then you haven’t been hugged properly. It’s like an emotional heimleich.
Ned: That’s fine for someone else to do if I’m choking on other than emotion
Chuck: So a kiss is out of the questions?

Chuck: Three way split? 30-30-40? It’s only fair I get more, I did die for it.

Ned: You’re supposed to be dead. This is pushing your luck.
Chuck: Yeah, well, luck pushed me first.

Do you have a favorite Pushing Daisies quote?

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