Pushing Daisies

Emerson: This is one of the need-to-know cases. And you do not need, therefore you shall not know.

Emerson: Well, then allow me to put this to you delicately. You see, men are dogs. They come, you know, sniffin’ around, barking up your tree. But if they don’t see a kitty cat up in that tree, pretty soon they stop barking. Dwight’s not missing. He’s barking up somebody else’s tree.

Chuck: Poor Vivian. She’s carrying a torch for a flame I extinguished.
Ned: With my finger.

Nils Nilsen: You and Dwight hobnobbed in the same circles.
Emerson: The Hell I did. We didn’t nob no hobs. And certainly not in no damned circle.

Olive: But I don’t need protection. That’s what I have several longstanding restraining orders for.

Vivian: They came highly recommended. In their home county, they’re the most decorated figures since Thor Bjorklund–inventor of the hand-held cheese slicer.

Olive: This gives me pause.
Vivian: A manicure might help.
Olive: No, “pause,” like one step past “play” and not quite to “stop.”

Vivian: There may have been involvement with a criminal element in his past, but that’s behind him now.
Lily: It ain’t behind him. It’s right on top of him, if not inside him.

Nils Nilsen: The DNA analysis that I performed on your hair told us everything we needed to know.
Olive: Oh. I was under the impression that penicillin would clear that up.

Emerson: Detective work is a lot like money. It don’t really come with instructions.

Emerson: There’s a time for callous braggadocio and a time for sensitivity. To the Norwegians, that time is never.
Vivian: I suppose it’s a holdover from their Viking ancestry. It would be difficult to rape and pillage with the subtlety of a humanist.

Olive: Did he die of natural causes?
Chuck and Ned: Yes!
Olive: Are either of you referring to “murder” as a natural cause?

Olive: Then they beat me with a blue-and-yellow stock as they got high on Abba and tiny little meatballs.
Nils and Magnus: Swedes!

Emerson: Listen, we’re all professionals, people. This doesn’t have to get ugly.
Nils Nilsen: Your shirt suggests otherwise.

Lily: Damn it! And we are spittin’ pissed at being served up a steaming plate of door!
Vivian: I don’t get pissed. A gypsy once told me it brings on hemorrhoids.

Chuck: I’ll let you breathe in a minute, I promise.
Ned: I’m good.

Ned: Are we together?
Chuck: Mmm. We’re so gethered, electrons couldn’t get between us.

Emerson: Well, hate to be a bitch, but ain’t no way in the world I’m taking this case.
Emerson: So, make it look like an accident. Trip over an Ottoman and Dick Van Dyke that ass.
Emerson: Mrs. McQuoddy? Present conditions are cold, rainy, with a 100% chance that “you’re dead.”
Emerson: Oh, Hell, we got a melty mouth.
Emerson: Bunch of blond-over-blue children of the corn.
Emerson: Shut the a capella up.

Olive: You were getting down with the diorama dame.
Gus: I damned that dame every time she made an advance.
Gus: Such a depressing word, “diorama.” It has “die” in it. I like “rama.”

Annabelle: One can never add enough glitter to a husband’s memory.

Annabelle: Life… you can’t make this crap up.

Chuck: But it’s just a normal father/daughter/daughter’s boyfriend dynamic.
Ned: It’s not.
Chuck: Why not? Because he’s been dead for 20 years? Just pretend he’s been in a coma.

Charles: Come with me, Button. Pie is simple. It’s limited. Just a bit of pastry and filling. Cake is complex. Layered with treasures waiting to be discovered.

Ned: Hate to break it to you, Charles, but no one cared about Dr. Frankenstein. They were after his monster.

Photos from Pushing Daisies TV

Charles Charles: I hate to look in the gift horse’s mouth, but I’m not gonna start craving human flesh, am I?
Chuck: No. Although everything does taste better.

Chuck: I need your help.
Emerson Friend help or pay help? See that? That’s the kind of body language you never hear with pay help.

Chuck: You’re not mad at me?
Emerson: Hell yeah I’m mad! I’m steamed, furious, red-hot and don’t think I ain’t gonna yell at you later! But for now let’s just put our heads together and try to figure out what to do.

Emerson: Ah. Don’t be pecking me, woman. That’s the peck of cahoots, which we are definitely not in.

Chuck: Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.
Emerson: Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on. Get holy.
Chuck: Thank you.
Emerson: Here lies Dwight. Here lies his gun. He was bad. Now he’s done. Let’s go.

Emerson: What’s with the shotgun?
Lily: Military salute.
Emerson: For Dwight Dixon?
Lily: For Charles. But if I happen to miss and blow Dwight’s head off, purely by accident, well, that’s something my lawyers can pretty much sort out later.

Marianne: And you remember, now–losing doesn’t make you a loser. Oh wait–it does.

Olive: I’m going to win that blue ribbon, wrap it around her neck, and strangle her with it.
Ned: Olive. You’re baking with hate.
Olive: Ah. Rich, buttery, high-in-carbohydrate hate. You know what no one tells you about cooking with the dark side? The food is really good.
Ned: Revenge is a dish best served cold. We’re baking pie–warm, delicious, happy-making pie.
Olive: Okay, help cook or get out of the kitchen, short-pants.

Ned: He’s not just dead. He’s extra-crispy

Colonel Likkin: I hate to go, but at least I’m going delicious.

Olive: I know it’s a tragedy, obviously, but you know what they say, when God closes a door, he opens an oven.
Ned: They don’t say that, and if they do they don’t have much compassion for a dead colonel.

Olive: You’ve never solved a murder mystery alone before.
Ned: I’m not alone.
Olive: Me? Oh. I just got all tingly. And not just in the nether regions.

Olive: Okay, how do we go about this… this whole P.I. thing? Do we just jam the gun in the suspect’s mouth and say, “Sing, canary, or I’m gonna decorate this wallpaper with your guts”?
Ned: Neither. Technically, I don’t believe you can blow someone’s guts out their mouth.
Olive: Wuss.

Emerson: A magic show? Where did I put that rat’s ass I could give? Magic ain’t nothing but a voodoo grift.

Chuck: What do you got against a magic show? There’s sequins and drama and the promise of bloodshed…
Olive: Next to pageants, they’re my favorite thing.
Ned: They give me acid reflux.
Olive: Oh, here, have a lozenge.
Ned: A magic lozenge that’ll make me forget they’re putting on a magic show, which is the same kind of show my dad put on, so what they’re pulling out of their magic hats isn’t a rabbit, it’s my childhood trauma. They’re wearing it like a cape and taking it to the stage.

Ned: I love magic. As much as I love other forms of popular entertainment, like Boxarate tae-kill-do cage fighting or monster trucks on ice.

Emerson: While we can appreciate and sympathize with your predicament, Mr. Herrmann…
The Great Herrmann: Please, call me Great.
Emerson: No.

Emerson: Here I was just about to tell you all to shut the hell up, and the you stopped talking so I didn’t have to.

Olive [to Chuck and Ned]: Do either of you have a gun? Then I’m going with Emerson..

Ned: It’s all very confusing. There’s murdered magic dads and the promise of taste pate with tuna sauce.
Emerson: What do you think you were saying in your head? Cause that ain’t what came out of your mouth.

Emerson: Honey, you been spurned, and next to the spurned lover, the spurned employee rides shotgun. On the homicide Chuck wagon.

Vivian: Charles has been dead for 20 years.
Dwight: I’ve been in prison for 22.
Vivian: Emotional or Federal?
Dwight: I’m going to say yes to both.
Vivian: I can only say yes to one.

Lilly: Do you have a point to this visit? Or did you just stop by for snorts and giggles?
Dwight: Snorts and giggles are the raisins in my oatmeal.

Ned: Have you been crank-calling Lily again.
Chuck: Umm, not recently. Although that does depend on how you define “recently.”

Olive: Isn’t it funny how easy it is to remain calm when everyone else is freaking out?

The Great Herrmann: What do you tell a couple of kids you’ve never met that their dad, who you’ve never met, has just dropped them like they were hot? You can’t sugarcoat that turd.

Chuck: We even came up with a handshake (proceed to do  handshake with Olive)

Olive: Here comes the center of the universe, pulling us all into her gravitational orbit of blame.
Chuck: Oh, well, FYI, um, there is no center of the universe because our universe is forever expanding.
Olive: Like your neediness. “Wah, respect my feelings. Wah, don’t fence me in. Wah, don’t treat me like I’m dead.” Well, if you’re so dead, how can you be needy? Oh right… you’re selfish!

Olive: It’s like we’re trapped in a sachet in a panty drawer of a dead shut-in, who was shut in her bedroom by her cat so that it would have to smell the scene of Freesia. Can’t you smell it?
Chuck: Yeah. That would be my Freesia hair detangler that you said smells amazing yesterday.
Olive: Wish I hadn’t now.

Chuck: I’m sorry I told you those capri’s make you look taller, because they don’t!
Olive: Mean!

Olive: Don’t shrug at me in the dark Charlotte Charles, that was a low blow.

Ned to Chuck: Selfishly, I want to duvet you right now.

Emerson: Holy Noah Nutty-as-a-Fruitcake’s Ark! (Refering to Randy’s Taxidermy Room)

Emerson: What got thee to a nunnery?
Olive: Oh, Emerson. You really want to know?
Emerson: Not especially. That was just my attempt at polite wee talk. Moment’s passed, so let’s talk compensation.

Emerson: I’m Father Dowling. These are my associates: Father Mulcahy and Sister Christian.

Ned: (with the dead Sister LaRue) We are so going to hell.

Ned: My God. Leatherface has a four quart food processor with a two horsepower motor and an extra large feed tube. I’ve wanted one for-ever.

Emerson: Rule Number One: don’t buy fish on Monday. Rule Number Two: Don’t poke an angry German.

(more…)

Narrator: The Pie Maker had grown accustomed to the feeling his heart made when it looked out his eyes and saw her sleeping in the next bed.

Chuck: You didn’t sleep well.
Ned: It was deep and perfect, like a nap in the backseat of a car after a day at the beach.

Emerson: You know how to knock?
Georgeann Heaps: I did knock. I came in, I said to myself, “I hope this good man can help me, knock wood,” and then I knocked. My name is Georgeann Heaps.
Emerson: It’s my nature to reward pushiness with inattention, Mrs. Heaps.

Emerson: That thing should have said, “If this van’s a-rockin’, I’m being murdered.”

Olive: I could throw up in my mouth a little and not even know the difference.

Ned: Emerson needs me.
Chuck: Why? There’s no dead body to wake up.
Emerson: Nice. Anyone not hear that?

Narrator: In less than 16 seconds, the dead girl who was not dead would be involved in the smallest of ironic coincidences. For just as she said to herself….
Chuck: I wish I were where the action were at
Narrator: She was where it were at

Narrator: Pigby enjoyed the warbling sounds the nice smelling thing that fed him made.

Ned: What if someone from Betty’s Bees finds out you’re a spy? Spying is a lot like sabotage in that they kill you for it. That’s what you do with spies and saboteurs — you kill them. And you don’t feel bad, because they’re spying and sabotaging.

Chuck: They’re not gonna kill me during business hours.

• Chuck: What if he was made entirely out of bees and that’s why she couldn’t see his face, because he didn’t even have one? What if there’s a whole beefolk society who walk around shaped like people?
• Ned: You’re thinking about how you can train your bees to walk around in people shapes, aren’t you?
• Chuck: Yeah.

Emerson: Ain’t no bees walking around in no people shapes. Kentucky was wigedy-wigedy-wigedy whacked!

Emerson: I’m goin’ dose the both of you with a dose of shut-the-fudge-up.

• Chuck: Poor Kentucky. What a horrible way to die. Thousands of little stingers stinging you.
• Olive: Like little stinging secrets that don’t just sting you once. They keep stinging you until you’re bloated and filled with pus. Who wanted a la mode?
• Ned: Could that have happened to me? On the roof? Could I have been swarmed? In my underwear too. I could’ve been swarmed in my underwear!
• Emerson: Hey! You don’t get to just put them pictures in my head! That’s an assult on my imagination!

Vivian: You need a drink. Lily, give her your bag.

• Lily: This place knows things about me nobody knows.
• Olive: Like that you holidayed here thirty years ago and found a baby in a cabbage patch. And by “cabbage patch,” I mean your lady parts.

Olive: These nuns aren’t my people. Unless you’re telling me “flibbertigibbet” is a title of respect.

Olive: I spent so much time praying, I’ve run out of things to say. I’m having awkward silences with God!

Olive: Forgive me, Father, for I’m gonna file a police report for all my worldly possessions.

Olive: But I like my belongings. That’s why they belong to me.

Vivian: It was her father’s. I’m sure it’s teeming with fungus and microscopic bugs that feed on flakes of human skin, but she was fond of it.

[ACADEMY SCIENCE LAB: a portrait of the stern founder with a snarling German Shepherd hangs over the blackboard where the students are lined up against; the subject of the day is "Flight"]

Narrator: The motto of the Longborough School for Boys was “Institutem Superior Omnibus” or “Tradition Over All”. But on this morning, whether it was the topic of flight or the brandy in the teacher’s parlor, Mr. Galt threw tradition to the wind and let the students choose their own lab partners. [the science instructor nods and all the boys immediately run to their tables with their partners, leaving Ned and an Indian boy in orthodontic headgear standing alone] Young Ned, however, found his chosen for him. Eugene Mulchandani was an exchange student from Gorakhpur, India. Young Ned felt a gnawing pity growing in his stomach, as was tradition. But beneath Eugene’s headgear thrived an active imagination and a useful gift for aeronautical model building, as well as the hope that someone might not dislike him for the simple fact that he was different. [Eugene tears several pages from a composition notebook and folds it into an elaborate paper airplane, then inflates a balloon with gas and ties it to the airplane. Ned smiles admiringly as they watch it float in the air, then notices a classmate sitting in front of them getting ready to shoot down the balloon with a spitball] Young Ned found himself breaking with his own tradition and in a moment of passion … [Ned throws a book and nails the bully in the head] … he fought back. For the first time since his father dropped him off, Young Ned made a friend. [outside during recess, the boys run through the trees; Eugene jumps and lands on a pile of leaves, then lets Ned have a turn] In a surge of emotion, he forgot his mother had died, his father had left him, and that he missed a girl named Chuck. He also forgot he was jumping into a pile of dead leaves that were once alive. [Ned jumps on the pile and as he swims through the leaves, the brown ones turn green; he fearfully looks up at a shocked Eugene, who runs away] Eugene Mulchandani fled in a flurry of saliva and fear. Eugene would eventually forget Young Ned’s mistake and chalk it up to magic leaves. But Young Ned would never forget that happiness borne of passion is always short-lived. [the classmate that Ned nailed with a book approaches and warms up his fist]

[THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN: Ned is sitting at the table waiting for the toaster to pop up; Chuck enters happily and sits next to him]

Narrator: Yet, through no fault of his own, he had once again stumbled into happiness …

Chuck: Good morning!

Narrator: … which terrified him.

Ned: Morning. [muffins pop up and he places a plate in front of Chuck; she starts cutting strawberries for their breakfast]

Chuck: Guess what day it is today?

Ned: [smiling] World Hello Day.

Chuck: Oh, you finally put up my calendar of Obscure of Holidays!

Ned: Yes, and “hola”! That’s Español-a.

Chuck: “Merhaba”, “selamat pagi”, “o-si-yo”! That’s Turkish, Indonesian and Cherokee, although the Indonesians really says “Good Day” which I think is much better than “Hello”, because what does that say? That says “I’m here, your turn to talk”! Kinda selfish. [Ned chuckles and smiles] What?

Ned: [fondly] Nothing.

Narrator: The Pie Maker wished to express to Chuck exactly how intense his feelings were for her.

Ned: [suddenly] Am I your boyfriend? [behind the counter, Olive’s head pops up in shock] I realize that boyfriend-girlfriend are familiar, trite labels – if convention were soaked in boyfriend would be dripping with it – but we’ve never actually said it. And not that we need to define the relationship, but it might be helpful in a familiar, trite way – the way on a holiday created to sell greeting cards – it’s still nice to get a card … and are you going to cut me off with a “Yes” anytime soon?

Chuck: [bemusedly] Yes. [behind the counter, Olive lets out a breath. So does a relieved Ned, who proceeds to put jam on Chuck’s muffin]

Ned: You never said what today is.

Chuck: Thank you. Today is my daddy’s birthday. You know he would’ve been sixty today if he were still alive?

Narrator: The mention of Chuck’s father sent The Pie Maker’s thoughts spinning. [Ned’s face falls and he drops the jam jar on the table]

Chuck: What’s wrong?

Ned: Nothin’.

(more…)

[ACADEMY – NIGHT: Young Ned is lying awake in bed; turns and looks at the clock, which reads 2:01 a.m. Digby is lying at the foot of his bed]

Narrator: At this very moment at the Longborough School for Boys, young Ned was 9 years, 41 weeks, 14 hours and 3 minutes old … and exhausted. [Ned sits up; Digby whines in sympathy] For despite the endless waking hours spent assuring himself that his heart was on the mend, Ned discovered the truth in his sleep. Sadly, not a single night had passed since the death of his mother that he didn’t dream of her coming back to him. [gets out of bed and leaves the room] Realizing he couldn’t rush his heart into healing, he concocted a plan: to reconnect with his mother in a way that only he could. [KITCHEN: in the dark, vast industrial room, Ned looks up on a high shelf and sees fresh strawberries out of his reach. He looks at his reflection off toaster and sees the image of his smiling mother handing him a pie]

(more…)

[ACADEMY PLAYING FIELD: Boys are playing kickball together while Ned is off to the distance, bouncing an orange ball off a tree]

Narrator: At this very moment, at town of Northrush, young Ned was lonely. Unable to make friends at the Longborough School for Boys, he often found himself playing alone, with nothing but memories of happier times to keep his company. What young Ned did not realize was that beyond the meadow under the same orange sky, someone he loved was remembering him. [Ned misses the tree and it bounces away deeper into a field. NED’S OLD HOME: There is a "For Sale" sign out front and the house appears abandoned … except for Digby lying patiently on the front porch]

Narrator: His dog, Digby. In fact, three days prior, Digby had made a decision: wearied by his own loneliness back in Coeur d’Coeurs and sensing his master’s sorrow, Digby set out on a mission. [Digby perks up, runs off the porch and down the street] Uncertain as to his exact destination, he ventured into the great unknown and guided only by the compass of his heart. [Digby trots through the town when he looks up and sees an apartment on fire. He goes to a fire box and pulls the lever down; a fire truck soon arrives and he continues his journey] Despite numerous distractions, Digby was determined to find young Ned – the boy who had given him a second chance at life. And who was his best friend. [ACADEMY FIELD: Ned looks around for his orange ball and sees Digby running toward him, holding the ball in his mouth; Ned grins and runs toward him] Upon doing so, Digby proved that love can overcome any obstacle. The reunion was bittersweet, however, as they instantly remembered the restrictions of their friendship: they could not touch or Digby would die. [both stop and stare happily at one another; Digby drops the ball in for his master. Ned picks up a stick and pets Digby with it, then throws the ball in the air] Still, it was enough. That day, Digby vowed he would never allow himself to separated from his master. [THE PIE HOLE: Digby catches an orange ball in his mouth, while his master looks off into the kitchen and smiles upon seeing Chuck]

(more…)

[NIGHT OUTSIDE ACADEMY: Ned is watching fireflies hover around an electric bug zapper. A firefly gets zapped and falls dead on a bench; he touches it and it flies off. However, a nearby spider crawling expectantly toward a firefly suddenly dies and falls off its web]Narrator: At this very moment, young Ned was 9 years, 34 weeks, 12 hours and 54 minutes old. He was a gifted boy – not academically, nor athletically – he was gifted in a way no other boy was gifted. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. But if he touched the dead thing twice, it died again forever. The consequence of touching a dead thing twice was as cruel as any consequence, and that was something else had to die. Young Ned rationalized this consequence was beyond his control: he was not to blame. But to remain blameless, he had to understand. [SCIENCE LAB: Ned places seven dead fireflies on a platter and covers it with a clear glass cover, then starts a stopwatch; on another platter, he touches seven more dead fireflies and touches each one before covering it]

Narrator: He realized to give life, he had to take it. Death, however, had a grace period. What young Ned did not know was how long that grace period was: one minute. Fearing the consequences of his actions, Ned vowed to never, ever again bring the dead back to life for more than a minute. Until he did it again. [the 2nd jar of fireflies die while the 1st jar comes to life; he releases them and watches them fly off. DISSOLVE TO: THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN. Ned tosses over a moldy peach with a ungloved hand: it becomes fresh again and he catches it with the other gloved hand, then passes it to Chuck, who washes them off] The expression “Pie in the Sky” entered popular culture in 1911: it refers to a dessert so sweet that it can only be found in Heaven. If you’re craving something before you die, I recommend where The Pie Maker makes his pies. But if you’re like Chuck, you may enjoy the pie even after you die. Her sixty seconds came and went, she stayed alive; and instead, someone else had to die. [the marigolds in the plant box withers and dies; Ned’s face falls and Digby whines, but Chuck doesn’t notice] He kept Chuck blissfully unaware of this fact: she was alive again – that was that.

Chuck: Which birthday do I celebrate? I’ve got two of them now. First day I was alive and first day I was alive again.

Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

Chuck: You remember my eighth birthday? Right before my dad died? You remember what you got me?

Ned: [remembers; then, sheepishly] A T-shirt.

Chuck: [innocently] With a beaver on it! He had little lipstick kisses on his cheek and was holding a sign saying “Be Kind to Animals: Kiss a Beaver.” I suppose I should be celebrating every minute, shouldn’t I?

Ned: Uh-huh.

Chuck: I can be anybody now, anybody I want. I like that idea: I’m going to give that some thought.

Narrator: The Pie Maker liked that idea as well. As long as her thoughts didn’t fall on:

Chuck: Why is it only a minute?

Ned: Hmm?

Chuck: A minute seems awfully arbitrary.

Ned: A minute’s a long time: a lot can happen in a minute. Besides, the longer someone’s around that’s not supposed to be around the more likely that something will happen. Not necessarily directly or by any fault of theirs, but y’know, butterfly wings and such.

Chuck: What about them?

Ned: They cause hurricanes.

Chuck: Oh, right. Am I a hurricane?

Ned: A little bit, but I like the weather – [Chuck suddenly approaches Ned with a sheet of plastic wrap, places it between their faces, and gives him a long kiss]

Ned: You really shouldn’t do that. [then they keep doing that]

(more…)

[In a green field, Young Ned is standing alone under a tree wearing a school uniform, looking quite desolate]Narrator: At this very moment, at the town of Northrush, young Ned was 9 years, 33 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours and 34 minutes old. He stood on the exact spot where 4 weeks and 2 days previously, his father had deposited him at the Longborough School for Boys. [several trunks appear next to Ned; a young classmate runs up behind Ned and bumps into him, then his father appears and bends to speak to him] As young Ned’s mother had died recently, there was reassuring physical contact and parting words: “I’ll be back.” [his father pats him on the head and disappears] He lied. The sadness and dread which the boy felt were not so much a product of the Longborough School: young Ned’s acute discomfort came from the knowledge that when he touched a dead thing, it came back to life.

[SCIENCE LAB: a schoolmate behind Ned throws a wad of paper at his head and the other boys laugh]

Narrator: The other boys assumed his introverted nature was a product of weakness and coddling. Thinking of revenge and also not thinking at all, young Ned volunteered to assist with that day’s science project. [The science teacher writes "Frog Dissection" on the chalkboard; Ned raises his hand, a knowing smile forming. On a rolling cart, Ned touches the formaldehyde frogs before placing a tray on each table] Young Ned’s gift was governed by three simple rules: touch a dead thing once, alive … [as a boy picks up a scalpel, the frog comes back to life and jumps away; chaos ensues as the boys scream and run away from the reanimated frogs; Ned is crawling away in the opposite direction and picks up a frog] … Touch a dead thing again, dead forever … [the frog dies in his hand and turns brown again] … Keep a dead thing alive for more than a minute, and something else has to die. [Outside, Ned is perched in a tree, far away from his classmates; as three frogs below hop away, three birds from the tree fall dead] His gift had once again brought him great distress in place of great joy. He vowed to keep the strange details of his strange life secret from the world forever.

(more…)

Narrator: At this very moment in the town of Coeur d’Coeurs, young Ned was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days and 3 minutes old. His dog, Digby, was 3 years, 2 weeks, 6 days, 5 hours and 9 minutes old. And not a minute older. [Digby runs straight into the highway and is struck by a semi. Ned drops to his knees in front of his dead dog and gingerly touches his face: Digby instantly gets up and runs back into the field, while Ned looks after him in surprise]

Narrator: This was the moment that young Ned discovered that he wasn’t like the other children: nor was he like anyone else, for that matter. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. [Ned follows after Digby; unbeknownst to him, after one minute, a squirrel falls from a tree, dead. Cut to NED’S KITCHEN: a fly lands on the window sill and Ned’s mother swats it dead. As she goes about preparing a pie, Ned touches the dead fly: it stirs and flies away. Ned’s mother starts a timer as she puts the pie in the oven]

(more…)

Olive: Oh, you were very loud. After all the commotion I peeped my peeper out the peep hole.

Olive: I also heard you walking the streets and moaning her name like in a Tennessee Williams. Romantic, but not very dignified.

Narrator: Olive Snook had been delivering pies for weeks, not realizing she was a homeopathic drug mule.

Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater.
Emerson: That thing’s uglier then a chipmunk’s ass.
Ned: He means the sweater, not your niece.

Emerson: Why would somebody give somebody a Christmas sweater for Christmas? You can only wear it that day.
Ned: He means should. Only wear it that day.
Emerson: Yeah. Either you got to take off what you got on to put it on. Or you got wait another year for the next holiday season.
Coroner: Why are you going toe-to-toe with me on fashion?

Coroner: Rent feels a little light.
Emerson: Maybe you’re just getting stronger.

Vivian: Thank you very much for lighting our furnace so Charlotte’s ghost wouldn’t have to.
Ned: Am I leaving?
Lily and Vivian: Yes!

Photo courtesy of Pushing-Daisies.Com

Olive: Did he beat you?
Chuck: No.
Olive: Did he look like he wanted to beat you?

Ned: But do you hate me?
Chuck: I have to hate you a little, just for a little while. But I can’t do that if you stay.
Ned: I don’t want you to hate me, I’ll stay.
Chuck: If you stay, I’ll just end up hating you more. Just go.

Emerson: I’m a father.
Ned: As in a priest?
Emerson: As in a man… with a daughter.

Emerson: The relationship between a father and his daughter is tenuous. It’s very fragile. It could take a life time to sort out all the issues there. And what you think? You can just all “happily ever after” after just one minute? Man, you a dreamer.

Emerson: Would you quit wiggle-worting? You’re steaming up the windows and giving neighbours the wrong idea.

Ned: It’s carbon monoxide poising. Someone put a potato in our tailpipe
Emerson: Oh lord. Please tell me I ain’t dead.
Ned: You’re not dead
Emerson: I can be not dead longer than a minute?
Ned: There are no minutes involved. You’ll continue to not be dead until you’re dead. But I’ve never undeaded you at any point.

Emerson: We are giant, enormous idiots. And don’t you say ‘ginormous’ because that ain’t a word.

Corpse: If I’m dead, why are you the one with the long face? Let me guess: girl problems?
Emerson: Hell no.
Corpse: Hell yes. I can see it in his eyes.

Emerson: The wish-a-wish lady.
Ned: She’s a kill-a-killa.

Ned: You don’t have to do this, Madeleine. Please put the gun and the bat down. Or definitely the gun.

Teen: I said ladpdance, not tapdance!

Aunt Lily: I’m Charlotte’s mother.

For a recap to this episode, check this entry.
For quotes from previous episode check our Quotable Quotes section.