Pushing Daisies

[In a green field, Young Ned is standing alone under a tree wearing a school uniform, looking quite desolate]Narrator: At this very moment, at the town of Northrush, young Ned was 9 years, 33 weeks, 6 days, 20 hours and 34 minutes old. He stood on the exact spot where 4 weeks and 2 days previously, his father had deposited him at the Longborough School for Boys. [several trunks appear next to Ned; a young classmate runs up behind Ned and bumps into him, then his father appears and bends to speak to him] As young Ned’s mother had died recently, there was reassuring physical contact and parting words: “I’ll be back.” [his father pats him on the head and disappears] He lied. The sadness and dread which the boy felt were not so much a product of the Longborough School: young Ned’s acute discomfort came from the knowledge that when he touched a dead thing, it came back to life.

[SCIENCE LAB: a schoolmate behind Ned throws a wad of paper at his head and the other boys laugh]

Narrator: The other boys assumed his introverted nature was a product of weakness and coddling. Thinking of revenge and also not thinking at all, young Ned volunteered to assist with that day’s science project. [The science teacher writes "Frog Dissection" on the chalkboard; Ned raises his hand, a knowing smile forming. On a rolling cart, Ned touches the formaldehyde frogs before placing a tray on each table] Young Ned’s gift was governed by three simple rules: touch a dead thing once, alive … [as a boy picks up a scalpel, the frog comes back to life and jumps away; chaos ensues as the boys scream and run away from the reanimated frogs; Ned is crawling away in the opposite direction and picks up a frog] … Touch a dead thing again, dead forever … [the frog dies in his hand and turns brown again] … Keep a dead thing alive for more than a minute, and something else has to die. [Outside, Ned is perched in a tree, far away from his classmates; as three frogs below hop away, three birds from the tree fall dead] His gift had once again brought him great distress in place of great joy. He vowed to keep the strange details of his strange life secret from the world forever.

Science Teacher: Are you responsible for this?

Narrator: So young Ned did what his father had done to him only 31 days before:

Ned: No.

Narrator: He lied. For next 19 years, 29 weeks, and 2 days, keeping secrets worked beautifully. The boy became The Pie Maker, and The Pie Maker deceived with ease. Until Chuck … [NED’S APARTMENT: Ned and Chuck are in separate single beds, lying on their sides gazing at one another]

Chuck: This is strange.

Narrator: Charlotte Charles had been alive for 28 years, 24 weeks, 3 days, 11 hours and 51 minutes, before she was murdered.

Chuck: Is this strange?

Ned: This is not strange. Unusual, maybe, eccentric, in a quaint way, like dessert spoons.

Narrator: Revived by The Pie Maker and given a second chance at life, she had many questions.

Chuck: I have so many questions, my mind wanders!

Ned: You need to feed it warm milk and a turkey sandwich, let it curl up in a sunny spot and take a nap.

Chuck: I miss my aunts.

Ned: Of course. Do you miss them a lot?

Chuck: A little.

Ned: All the time?

Chuck: Now and then.

Narrator: As Chuck spoke, she realized her secrets were really “a lot” and “every minute”. In that order. [NED’S KITCHEN: They are preparing breakfast and setting the table]

Chuck: How many people have you touched?

Ned: People or animals? [stops short of a few feet of Chuck] Crossing.

Chuck: Digby doesn’t count. [Digby looks up and whines]

Ned: Digby does count: no one’s been through as much with me as Digby.

Chuck: How many people have you brought back to life?

Ned: It’s not like I walk around reviving childhood sweethearts willy-nilly.

Chuck: What about Emerson? [stops to warn Ned before going through a doorway] Oh, coming through! Touched lots of people with Emerson.

Ned: For work.

Chuck: Just because you kill ‘em again as soon as you get what you want doesn’t make it any different.

Ned: Yes, it does. [Chuck blocks the doorway] Coming through. [tantalizingly close; they share a look before she moves for him] And can we not say “kill”? I touch them again is all and they snap right back to the way they’re supposed to be.

Chuck: Am I the rubber band that broke?

Ned: Chuck, you’re the only human being I’ve ever made alive again to stay. [his eye twitches]

Narrator: He lied. In fact, The Pie Maker kept one other person alive for longer than a minute … [FLASHBACK: Young Ned revives his dead mother] Using the gift to temporarily revive his own mother, the unintended effect on Chuck’s father had been more permanent. [FLASHBACK: Chuck’s father collapses dead] The Pie Maker often asked himself if he would ever be able to tell Chuck this secret.

Chuck: Your eye’s twitching.

Ned: Is it?

Chuck: [peers inside the refrigerator disappointedly] This is such a small cheesebox.

Narrator: The aunts who had raised Chuck had taught her to believe that the large white appliance in the kitchen had a fairly narrow purpose. [FLASHBACK: Chuck is holding a plate of cheese and opens the "cheesebox". It is stuffed full with dozens of wedges and wheels of various cheeses, all carefully wrapped and meticulously labeled]

Chuck: [calls out] Aunt Lily! Is it okay to freeze the Camembert? I’d rather not wedge it in between the edam and paneer. Or I could air out the gouda!

Narrator: In fact, young Chuck did not refer to the refrigerator as anything but a cheesebox until she was seventeen. [OUTSIDE NED’S APARTMENT: As Ned and Chuck sit down for breakfast, they are being observed by their nosy neighbor, Olive, who is hanging precariously via bedsheet in order to hold a makeshift mirror tied to a cane]

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Pushing Daisies, Pushing Daisies Bitches transcript