Pushing Daisies

[NIGHT OUTSIDE ACADEMY: Ned is watching fireflies hover around an electric bug zapper. A firefly gets zapped and falls dead on a bench; he touches it and it flies off. However, a nearby spider crawling expectantly toward a firefly suddenly dies and falls off its web]Narrator: At this very moment, young Ned was 9 years, 34 weeks, 12 hours and 54 minutes old. He was a gifted boy – not academically, nor athletically – he was gifted in a way no other boy was gifted. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. But if he touched the dead thing twice, it died again forever. The consequence of touching a dead thing twice was as cruel as any consequence, and that was something else had to die. Young Ned rationalized this consequence was beyond his control: he was not to blame. But to remain blameless, he had to understand. [SCIENCE LAB: Ned places seven dead fireflies on a platter and covers it with a clear glass cover, then starts a stopwatch; on another platter, he touches seven more dead fireflies and touches each one before covering it]

Narrator: He realized to give life, he had to take it. Death, however, had a grace period. What young Ned did not know was how long that grace period was: one minute. Fearing the consequences of his actions, Ned vowed to never, ever again bring the dead back to life for more than a minute. Until he did it again. [the 2nd jar of fireflies die while the 1st jar comes to life; he releases them and watches them fly off. DISSOLVE TO: THE PIE HOLE KITCHEN. Ned tosses over a moldy peach with a ungloved hand: it becomes fresh again and he catches it with the other gloved hand, then passes it to Chuck, who washes them off] The expression “Pie in the Sky” entered popular culture in 1911: it refers to a dessert so sweet that it can only be found in Heaven. If you’re craving something before you die, I recommend where The Pie Maker makes his pies. But if you’re like Chuck, you may enjoy the pie even after you die. Her sixty seconds came and went, she stayed alive; and instead, someone else had to die. [the marigolds in the plant box withers and dies; Ned’s face falls and Digby whines, but Chuck doesn’t notice] He kept Chuck blissfully unaware of this fact: she was alive again – that was that.

Chuck: Which birthday do I celebrate? I’ve got two of them now. First day I was alive and first day I was alive again.

Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

Chuck: You remember my eighth birthday? Right before my dad died? You remember what you got me?

Ned: [remembers; then, sheepishly] A T-shirt.

Chuck: [innocently] With a beaver on it! He had little lipstick kisses on his cheek and was holding a sign saying “Be Kind to Animals: Kiss a Beaver.” I suppose I should be celebrating every minute, shouldn’t I?

Ned: Uh-huh.

Chuck: I can be anybody now, anybody I want. I like that idea: I’m going to give that some thought.

Narrator: The Pie Maker liked that idea as well. As long as her thoughts didn’t fall on:

Chuck: Why is it only a minute?

Ned: Hmm?

Chuck: A minute seems awfully arbitrary.

Ned: A minute’s a long time: a lot can happen in a minute. Besides, the longer someone’s around that’s not supposed to be around the more likely that something will happen. Not necessarily directly or by any fault of theirs, but y’know, butterfly wings and such.

Chuck: What about them?

Ned: They cause hurricanes.

Chuck: Oh, right. Am I a hurricane?

Ned: A little bit, but I like the weather – [Chuck suddenly approaches Ned with a sheet of plastic wrap, places it between their faces, and gives him a long kiss]

Ned: You really shouldn’t do that. [then they keep doing that]

Narrator: Chuck wasn’t the only storm brewing in The Pie Hole that evening: an innocuous, low-pressure system was forming that would soon become Hurricane Olive. Watching The Pie Maker kiss the woman that wasn’t her, Olive stopped breathing: it was as if all the oxygen had left the room. [DINING ROOM: Olive is holding a pot of coffee in each hand, staring at the two lovebirds, when a customer chirps in with:]

Alfredo Aldarisio: Espresso, please?

Olive: We have coffee.

Alfredo Aldarisio: [points behind her] You have an espresso machine.

Olive: It’s broken: it sits there being pretty, but nobody touches it. Decaf or regular?

Alfredo Aldarisio: No flavors? Hazelnut, French vanilla?

Olive: [explodes] Why can’t sugar be enough?! [brings him a sugar dispenser] Here’s your sugar! [sits in the booth and exhales] Whoo, I forgot to breathe. Ever felt like all the oxygen left the room?

Alfredo Aldarisio: Oh, my, yes.

Narrator: In that moment, Alfredo Aldarisio recognized a kindred spirit in Olive Snook. He also lived in constant fear of the oxygen leaving the room, but his pathology ran much, much deeper. [MONTAGE: Alfredo imagines that the table is shaking, then himself, then the restaurant, and with the wind whipping loudly, the roof blows off and he is sucked into the atmosphere] He was haunted by the notion that at any moment, the Earth could lose its atmosphere and he would be sucked into the vacuum of space.

Alfredo Aldarisio: Excuse me.

Narrator: A traveling salesman by trade, Mr. Aldarisio sells pharmaceutical alternatives which he also uses to manage his condition. [Alfredo takes a small bottle out of his pocket; using a dropper, he squeezes several drops into his mouth]

Alfredo Aldarisio: Medicinal. You’re not wrong about the oxygen leaving the room: the planet is losing its atmosphere, affecting gravity. Volumes aren’t what they used to be: they had to adjust the kilogram.

Olive: If you ask me, the kilogram needs to be taken down a peg. [gets up] Decaf or regular?

Alfredo Aldarisio: Regular, lots of sugar. [entranced by her] More than enough. [Emerson enters The Pie Hole and pauses at the front door]

Narrator: Emerson Cod, Private Investigator, made a business of murder. But before he could get down to business:

Emerson: I feel like ice cream. [at the counter, Olive serves him a scoop of ice cream]

Olive: Musing on the idea of setting someone on fire doesn’t mean you really want to set them on fire: it’s just the thought of it makes you really happy. But only for a second, then you feel bad, but then that second would feel like a lot of fun.

Emerson: You thinkin’ of settin’ someone on fire?

Olive: No, I was just speaking in the figurative, but figuratively speaking, someone should set you on fire for throwing my heart under a bus when you told me Ned didn’t want me.

Emerson: That was the Truth Bus.

Olive: That wasn’t the Truth Bus: that was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.

Emerson: By “bitchy,” you mean “frank” and “honest.”

Olive: If I want Frank and Honest – well, I don’t want Frank and Honest. I never want Frank and Honest, so let’s just take it off the docket. While we’re on the subject of Frank and Honest, I don’t like that girl. Not one bit. [through the kitchen window, Chuck cheerfully waves at them; they both smile and wave back, neither of them being frank and honest about their feelings for her]

Narrator: Emerson Cod liked her even less. So much so, it warranted a private conversation with The Pie Maker. But not private enough. [Ned and Emerson sit in a booth; just as Emerson opens his mouth to speak, Chuck slides in next to him]

Chuck: So did somebody die? How did they die?

Emerson: They died mysteriously.

Chuck: He somebody or she somebody?

Emerson: He. [to Ned] I told you I wanted to discuss this in private.

Ned: Chuck is private: part of my private.

Emerson: She ain’t part of mine: I don’t know her.

Chuck: [oblivious to Emerson’s hostility] So what was the mysterious part? The way they died or the circumstances? I mean, did you find them with a noose around his neck and you didn’t quite know how it got there? Did he drown in his bed but the sheets were all dry?

Ned: [concerned] You’re obsessed.

Chuck: Am I? Do you think dying has made me morbid? [Ned nods] C’mon, how did this somebody die?

Emerson: Said it felt like life just got up and left him. Just like I’m about get up and leave you.

Chuck: Y’know what it could be? It could be like one of those untraceable poisons or it could be a staged poison – like when you have to actually touch four things before it actually kills a person – it could be that.

Ned: What did you say it was besides mysterious?

Emerson: I’ve not yet expressed my opinion.

Ned: Would you care to express it now?

Emerson: My opinion is you need to take a coupon for this conversation and redeem it at another date.

Ned: I want to use my coupon now.

Emerson: Redeem it tomorrow. There’s somebody in the county fridge that I need you to talk to. [scoots against Chuck so he can get out of the booth, then to Ned] In private. My private. Which doesn’t include her. So she better not come.

Follow the complete transcript found at this wiki-fan site, here.

Pushing Daisies, Pushing Daisies Fun in the Funeral transcript