Pushing Daisies

Narrator: At this very moment in the town of Coeur d’Coeurs, young Ned was 9 years, 27 weeks, 6 days and 3 minutes old. His dog, Digby, was 3 years, 2 weeks, 6 days, 5 hours and 9 minutes old. And not a minute older. [Digby runs straight into the highway and is struck by a semi. Ned drops to his knees in front of his dead dog and gingerly touches his face: Digby instantly gets up and runs back into the field, while Ned looks after him in surprise]

Narrator: This was the moment that young Ned discovered that he wasn’t like the other children: nor was he like anyone else, for that matter. Young Ned could touch dead things and bring them back to life. [Ned follows after Digby; unbeknownst to him, after one minute, a squirrel falls from a tree, dead. Cut to NED’S KITCHEN: a fly lands on the window sill and Ned’s mother swats it dead. As she goes about preparing a pie, Ned touches the dead fly: it stirs and flies away. Ned’s mother starts a timer as she puts the pie in the oven]

Narrator: This gift was a gift given to him, but not by anyone in particular. There was no box, no instructions, no manufacturer’s warranty: it just was. The terms of use weren’t immediately clear, nor were they of immediate concern: young Ned was in love. Her name was Chuck. At this very moment, she was 8 years, 42 weeks, 3 hours and 2 minutes old. Young Ned did not think of her as being born or hatched or conceived in any way: Chuck came ready-made from the Play-Doh Fun Factory of Life. [CHUCK’S FRONT YARD: Ned, outfitted in red pterodactyl costume and Chuck in her dinosaur costume smile wickedly at one another]

Narrator: In their imaginations, young Ned and a girl named Chuck conquered the world. [the Play-Doh town comes to life and flee in fear of Ned and Chuck, who are happily stomping the community to pieces. NED'S KITCHEN: his mother is dusting him off with a broom]

Narrator: Long after their playdate was over, young Ned remained under Chuck’s spell. Until a blood vessel in his mother’s brain burst, killing her instantly. [Ned’s mother falls flat on her back, dead; Ned hesitantly touches her cheek and she comes back to life]

Ned’s Mother: Must’ve slipped – clumsy. [gets up and heads for the stove] Did the timer go off?

Narrator: Young Ned’s random gift that was, came with a caveat or two. [After one minute, the timer goes off. Ned looks out the window and sees Chuck’s father fall flat on his back, dead; his mother follows his line of sight and drops the pie in shock] It was a gift that not only gave – it took. Young Ned discovered that he could only bring the dead back to life for one minute without consequence; any longer, and someone else had to die. [NIGHT: Ned is looking out his bedroom window as the coroner’s wagon takes away Chuck’s father; his mother is preparing his bed]

Narrator: In the grand universal scheme of things, young Ned had traded his mother’s life for Chuck’s father.

Ned’s Mother: C’mon, Big Daddy, into bed.

Narrator: But there was one more thing about touching dead things that young Ned didn’t know … and he learned it in the most unfortunate way … [As Ned settles into bed, his mother kisses his forehead, she drops to the ground, dead; Ned touches her to no avail] First touch: life. Second touch: dead again, forever. [CEMETERY: Young Ned is surrounded by family as they bury his mother]

Minister: He maketh me lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me in …

Narrator: After a brief mourning period, young Ned’s father would hustle him off to boarding school, never to be seen again. [across the cemetery, there is another service for Chuck’s father; it is a Jewish funeral officiated by a Rabbi]

Narrator: Chuck would be fostered by Aunts Lily and Vivian, a renowned synchronized swimming duo: they shared matching personality disorders and a love for fine cheese. [Ned and Chuck look at each other across the short distance and come together for a kiss]

Narrator: At their respective parents’ funerals, dizzy with grief, curiosity and hormones, young Ned and a girl named Chuck had their first and only kiss. After his mother’s death, Ned avoided social attachments, fearing what he’d do if someone else he loved died. [the yellow sun in the background morphs into a strawberry pie; pull back to reveal Ned’s pie shop, THE PIE HOLE]

Narrator: And he became obsessed with pies. It’s 19 years, 34 weeks, 1 day and 59 minutes later, heretofore known as “Now.” Young Ned has become The Pie Maker. And this is where he makes his pies: the peaches never brown, the dead fruit in his hands becomes ripe with everlasting flavor … as long as he only touches it once. [DINING ROOM: the highly-caffeinated Olive Snook is unleashing her perkiness on an unwilling and unamused customer, Emerson Cod]

Olive: Every day I come in, I pick a pie, I concentrate all my love on that pie. ‘Cause if I love it, someone else is gonna love it, and y’know what? By the end of the day, I’ve sold more of those pies than any other of the pies in the bakery.

Emerson: [humoring her] Yeah? What pie do you love today?

Olive: Rhubarb.

Emerson: [flatly] I’ll stick with Three Plum. Á la mode.

Narrator: Emerson Cod was the sole keeper of The Pie Maker’s secret. And this is how he came to be the sole keeper of The Pie Maker’s secret: a private investigator, Mr. Cod met The Pie Maker when his Pie Hole was on the verge of financial ruin. [Emerson is chasing a suspect across the rooftops. When the suspect misses a jump and lands several stories down on a dumpster, he dies; but as the dead suspect bounces off the dumpster, he collides with Ned, who is taking out the garbage, and is revived. Ned touches him again so that he dies, then looks up to see Emerson]

Narrator: Mr. Cod proposed a partnership: murders are much easier to solve when you can ask the victim who killed them. The Pie Maker reluctantly agreed. [Ned and Emerson are sitting in a booth]

Ned: I asked you not to use the word “zombie”: it’s disrespectful, stumbling around squawking for brains, it’s not how they do. And “undead”, nobody wants to be un- anything. Why begin a statement with the negative? It’s like saying “I don’t disagree”: just say “You agree”.

Emerson: Are you comfortable with “living dead”?

Ned: You’re either living or you’re dead: when you’re living, you’re alive, when you’re dead, that’s what you are; but when you’re dead and then you’re not, you’re alive again. Can’t we say “alive again”? Doesn’t that sound nice?

Emerson: Sounds like you’re narcoleptic.

Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?

Emerson: What’s the other one?

Ned: Necrophilia.

Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.

Olive: [chiming in] Me, too! I used to think masturbation meant chewing your food. [they stare at her; her face falls] I don’t think that anymore.

Ned: Can you lock the door behind you? [Olive leaves]

Emerson: So you want in on this opportunity or not? A dog is involved. [Digby looks up and whines]

Ned: What kind of dog?

Emerson: It’s gonna be a dead dog: dead dog named Cantaloupe. They’re putting her down – allegedly killed her owner.

Ned: When you say “allegedly” …

Emerson: Cantaloupe was framed. Someone put part of the victim in her mouth.

Ned: Huh.

Emerson: Hey, docile as a kitten, says the family. [shows Ned a photo of a Chow]

Ned: Despite it being a Chow, the breed most likely to turn on its owner?

Emerson: Hey, that’s racial profiling! Lookee here: if the dog is innocent, then it’s murder. And if it’s murder, there’s a reward.

Follow the complete transcript found at this wiki-fan site, here.

Pushing Daisies, Pushing Daisies Pie-lette transcript