Pushing Daisies

[ACADEMY – NIGHT: Young Ned is lying awake in bed; turns and looks at the clock, which reads 2:01 a.m. Digby is lying at the foot of his bed]

Narrator: At this very moment at the Longborough School for Boys, young Ned was 9 years, 41 weeks, 14 hours and 3 minutes old … and exhausted. [Ned sits up; Digby whines in sympathy] For despite the endless waking hours spent assuring himself that his heart was on the mend, Ned discovered the truth in his sleep. Sadly, not a single night had passed since the death of his mother that he didn’t dream of her coming back to him. [gets out of bed and leaves the room] Realizing he couldn’t rush his heart into healing, he concocted a plan: to reconnect with his mother in a way that only he could. [KITCHEN: in the dark, vast industrial room, Ned looks up on a high shelf and sees fresh strawberries out of his reach. He looks at his reflection off toaster and sees the image of his smiling mother handing him a pie]

Narrator: For young Ned wasn’t like the other children, or the other adults for that matter. [Ned reaches into a trash can and touches a rotten Granny Smith apple that promptly turns green again] Which in this case, delighted him. Briefly. [bubbling pots on the stove and flour on the counter, Ned takes out a pie from oven and sniffs it] Although young Ned knew he couldn’t taste the pie lest the fruit rot again, he didn’t care. [Ned climbs back in bed cradling the pie, his pajamas covered with flour] The mere smell of it made him feel, if only for an hour, exactly like he wanted to feel: safe and warm and loved. [young Ned closes his eyes] Which is why he became …

[ROOFTOP – NIGHT: Chuck is surveying the city with binoculars; Ned is in lugging a huge pot of flowers]

Narrator: The Pie Maker. Who at this very moment, was planting flowers to make Chuck feel as safe and warm and loved as he once did.

Ned: Sue Bee!

Chuck: Who be?

Ned: I’m referring to the honey, the store-bought kind. The kind I will purchase by the gallon for you.

Chuck: Uh, that honey don’t work: it’s never as sweet. [pointing] Oh, look: there’s a fantastic rooftop for the honey harvesting expansion!

Ned: Let’s not plant flowers way over there.

Chuck: You don’t even know which building!

Ned: I know it’s not this one! And in interest of Operation Urban Honey Pioneer, I think we should keep the operation contained.

Chuck: Comfortably contained.

Ned: Comfortable in a good way, like it’s usually used. I’m concerned for the bees: we should keep the flowers close so they’ll feel safe.

Chuck: Actually, bees have an incredible sense of smell! So if we keep doing our job and planting the flowers, the bees will do theirs and find them!

Ned: Why do we need so much honey, anyway?

Chuck: It’s a surprise.

Ned: Surprise has never been a good word for me.

Chuck: Well, you’ll like this one. And just so you know, the honeybee has to visit hundreds of blossoms before it has enough nectar to take back to the hive, so the more flowers, the merrier the bees. [Ned’s face falls at the prospect of lugging more pots of flowers]

Narrator: A broken-hearted Olive Snook found herself navigating a minefield of her own making … [THE PIE HOLE: Olive comes behind the counter and runs smack into Ned, who has his hands full of dirty dishes; both react nervously, but Olive is far more caffeinated of the two … ]

Olive: This is what it is, isn’t it? Unless that’s not a rolling pin under your apron …

Ned: [puts down some dishes and pulls a rolling pin from his apron pocket] Sorry.

Olive: Oh! [prattles on nervously] Isn’t it great we can joke, now that we know that there’s nothing going on between us and never will! I’ll bet this sort of thing happens all the time between adults: mixed romantic messages. The next time we’ll be looking back and laugh until we wet the rug! Which we’ll then want to shampoo – a couple of times – possibly three depending on what we’ve been drinking! [whips Ned with a towel, causing him to back away and almost bump into Chuck, who is coming out the kitchen with two pie boxes]

Chuck: Ohh! Maybe I should wear a bell!

Ned: [thinking] Actually …

Chuck: [quickly] I’m not wearing a bell. [hands a pie box to the Deliveryboy]

Narrator: Chuck continued to keep the secret ingredient of her pies secret. Not even Olive Snook knew the baked secret she delivered contained homeopathic mood-enhancers meant to pry Chuck’s aunts out of their funk. [Chuck puts down the other pie box and takes Olive by the hand to the end of the counter]

Chuck: So, have they been in a good mood? My aunts?

Olive: Moods. Plural. And not all of them good.

Chuck: Okay, maybe it’s time to go to Phase 2.

Olive: Have we been in Phase 1 this whole time?

Chuck: Mmm-hmm.

Olive: How many phases are there?

Chuck: Four that I know of, but maybe five. Right now we’re at Phase 2, which means we need to get them back in the water! It’s like oxygen for them.

Olive: Because they’re former mermaids!

Chuck: Only professionally, not mythologically speaking.

Olive: Oh, I know all about their mermaids –

Ned: Ahem! [Ned holds up cupcake tins] What are these? Cupcake pans?

Chuck: [timidly] Surprise. [KITCHEN: Chuck is showing Ned little mini-pies that she baked]

Ned: It’s The Pie Hole, not The Cupcake Hole.

Chuck: But it’s not a cupcake, it’s a cup-pie! A single-serve pie with honey, my honey baked into the crust. And since it’s still a pie, it could be served in The Pie Hole, by definition.

Ned: I’m a purist: I like that we only serve traditional pies in The Pie Hole, not these hybrids.

Chuck: Y’know, you could do with a little loosening up.

Ned: [crosses his arms tightly] I don’t do loose: I prefer tightly wound. Not shapeless with extra room for surprises.

Chuck: I was a surprise: you made room for me. Some.

Ned: Yeah, I made room: a whole rooftop full of room for you and your bees.

Chuck: I know and I love it. And I’m not Quasimodo in the bell tower.

Ned: Quasimodo would’ve been a lot better off if he’d stayed in his bell tower where it was safe and comfortable and he had his bell.

Chuck: I’m not sure Quasimodo would agree with that: Quasi wanted adventure, Quasi wanted to see the world, Quasi wanted cup-pies!

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